i have blocked everything out. i need to just be for a little while.
i haven't been to school in two days, i'm sick. but i think it is more than being sick.
my mind is telling me i'm sick. i wouldn't be able to go to school like this anyway.
but it is getting harder. getting out of bed each day. i have decided i will do something today.
something to wake me up. to get out of this rutt. it's emptying me of all emotions, which is good.
but i think it's also bad. it's erasing all my bad emotions, but also all my good ones.
and right now, the good emotions are all i have left. i have noticed, the people who seem to have simalar emotions to me stay home more often. i see why. it helps. even though i am in pain, my body aches all over, i am finally at peace. metaphorically. i will go to school on monday. and it will spin my world upside down again, but i think that's what i need to keep going, through this.
but, through all the dark, there is always light. even if it feels impossible to find.

it's still there. whenever im alone. i need to distract myself.
it changes from day to day, the feelings. i can tell by what i've written.
it makes me sad, knowing that i was so happy such a short time ago.
i think the best thing to do is move, but i am to scared.
change scares me, and it shouldn't.
this is stupid. but i cant speak to anyone.
i feel like an idiot. like these feelings aren't real to anyone i
tell in words. but i need to get out of this. it's eating me up inside,
its like my world is dying. my friends are almost dead to me. i am dead inside.
i cant do this anymore. i need to escape. but i cant find the words...
and words mean so much. i feel so weak. it's not like it's that bad.
i cried myself to sleep last night. for the first time in 3 years. and i
felt so peaceful. it helped. to have the tears there as my companion.
this is my diary now. i am to nervous to write a real diary.
the feelings will be out, for others to see. at least here i am alone. no
one follows me. i dont mind.
because this is where i am me. i dont think i can share it yet.

i am coming back.
my mind is clearing.
i think the storm is over.
i hope the storm is over.
but, every once in a while, the clouds cover the sun.
and i get cold again.
the feelings return.
and i cant breathe.
the ice goes down to my throat.
and it feels like someone is hitting me, over and over.
i walk on, facing the clouds head on.
i try to remember what i am fighting for, what i have to live for.
the pain continues, blinding me, stopping me from doing anything.
i feel like screaming, but my class mates would think i was mad.
i go blank, stop talking, dont listen, dont laugh, dont pretend to laugh.
and suddenly, its gone. the cloud has gone,
and i realise what i have to live for again.
the rainbow emerges and i see the sun once more.
and i smile. and i mean the smile with all my heart.
i smile to myself, others probaby dont know why,
but i smile to show the clouds, i am stronger than they are.
i am Paris, and i will fight, untill there is nothing left.

i wonder what you would do if i leant over and kissed you.

truely, one of the most talented women singers, i have seen in my entire life. my inspiration.

sometimes, i sit and think,

think about how life would be with someone in my life that truely loves me.

truely cares for me.

with all there heart.

love stories have made me feel alone.

i am begining to truely believe i will never find any one.

if things change, i'll let you know.

sometimes i wonder what it would be like to die.
would it be painfull, or an infinity of bliss.
a life in another life,
you, but not you.
a different world,
a different love.
a different hate.
a different dream, to aspire to.
i guess we all find out.
perhaps there is nothing, just black, forever peace.
i wonder if it would be better than my life now.
i have began to understand that there is so little wrong with my life.
it is a life millions would wish for.
friends, loving family, enough money, safety.
so why do i feel like this? all the time?
i have only one conclusion.
the only thing wrong in this life,
is me.