i have always loved them. i loved them differently, sure, but always.

You call yourself a free spirit, a "wild thing," and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself-
Breakfast at Tiffany's. You beauitful movie you.

They make me happier then any real person can. is that wrong?

i enjoy guys with glasses.

no idea why.

some one told me i should be a role model today. i told them that i shouldn't. at least not with the things that go through my head every five minutes.

i am not a good person.

sometimes i wish i could kill myself. to get away from you all. everyone that hurts me. everyone that breaks my heart. all the fucking time!

please leave me alone. you may not know it. but you impact my life so much. i want to...

thats the thing.

i dont even know anymore.

cute.

i wish everything would stop. and i could run away. and never come back.

i just want to run away, and never look back.

i cant wait untill this stupid school is finished with me.

i hate it there.

well, at least, i hate what it's turned me into.

new york, please hurry. i dont know how much longer i can take it.

NEED.

i dont think you know how much i hate it, when you are nice to my face. and a complete bitch behind my back.

i know no one cares. it hurts. so much. all the time.
sometimes, i just want to fade away. forever.

I am not beauitful in the slightest. I dont have, regretably, desighner clothes, but i am as individual as i can be.

STOP TELLING ME STUPID, PATHETIC, INCOHERENT, UNINTELLIGENT LIES

It's always been you. Idiot. Always. In my dreams, in my head. Suffocating me, killing me, all the time. I hate you. At least, i wish i did.

i love harry potter. it makes me happy no matter how i am feeling. but, out of everyone, i love ron the most.

...and then it all happened. all at once. everything and everyone that ever meant anything to me meant more then life yet less then love. and my mind blanked and i thought i was going to die. i knew i was going to die. i just didn't know when.

Dont ask me why. or what runs through my head.i have asked myself that at least a million times. all i know is when i see them together. looking the way they do towards each other i get this rush of hope. this feeling like no one is perfect. no relationship will always be amazing. but that doesn't mean it wont take your breathe away.

I WANT THIS!!

i want to go all out.

Im doing what i want, because i can.
I wish guys would take an intrest in me. everyone knows that wont happen. i just need faith, to believe things will only get better..

Im changing everything!
I am changing myself, my thoughts, my happiness.. Even the name of this blog.
I will make myself a happier person, and stop caring about other peoples perceptions of me. I will become a better person. Any one that gets in my way, will have another thing coming.

The only people that keep me going..

GET OUT OF MY HEAD YOU STUPID PERSON! I HATE YOU SO MUCH! YOU RUIN EVERYTHING! just because i smile doesn't mean like you. i smile, because in my head, you are dying in a hole..

I've put so much effort into this blog. My life pours onto this screen. Every feeling i have every day gets written down and catalouged so one day, 20 years from now i will log on to this blog and read everything that ran through my head when i was 14. I want to say so much. I want people to hear my every word. But no one will ever read this blog. And i have slightly come to terms with that. Almost.

Im not funny. Im not very smart. And i am definately not beautiful. But in all the world, the only thing that has kept me here is other people's need of me. And my care for that need is slowly decreasing. The thing i really need, really truely need. Is for someone to love me.

If i looked like her, i wonder if more people would like me.

I wish i could hide. from everything. from everyone. i will travel the world, with no one but myself. meet friends that make my life worth living. The thing i dont understand, is why i am like this. I hate this feeling. I shouldn't feel this! I am safe, i have everything. I dont need this. I dont need to feel like this. If there was a god i would be fine. nothing would be wrong in my head. but i have a stupid mind that doesn't make sense. i have a stupid heart that breaks to easily. i have stupid hands that just want to slice my own skin. i have stupid legs that want to jump of the top building of my school. it is so hard to be strong. when you are constantly fighting yourself. and you have so much stress of work and friends added. it isn't worth it. in the end i will die. it doesn't matter what i do in life nothing will be worth anything in the end. everything ends no matter how much change its caused. why people ruin things doesn't make sense. it wont do them any good. humanity is one stupid lie.

We don't waste no precious time..

Our love was lost, sadly still is. Oh well. Shit happens. People move on. People hate you for no reason. At all..

Christ sake, i am over this.

Audrey is my favourite. She was always in control. And happy. She had everything, but didn't brag. She was perfect, beauitful, intelligent, rich. Thats why she amazes me.

I wish everything would blur. I wish i could forget, even for just a moment. I wish my whole life changed. It already has. So much. Too much. I thought i wanted change before, and then i got it and wanted everything the same as before. But life isn't like that. Shit happens, and it kills. I physically hurts people. People don't hurt themselves. I think about suicide. I used to think it was evil, horrible and wrong. Now i understand. It's because people can't escape. You can't move away from this. You can't ignore it. It pulls you in. It's ruthless. It doesn't care who it hurts along the way, as long as it hurts you in the end. And no matter what happens, if you keep strong or you kill yourself, it hurts through it all. I dont know what to do anymore. I dont know what to say, or who to tell, or how to cry or how to scream.

It's scary. because it's real.

he is my favourite. and she is pretty amazing. they deserve each other.

oh god. not jealous at all.

forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget,

ahhh fuck it. i cant.

I wonder if life would be easier, if i just looked like her..

Some one find me, i need help.

I wish i was as smart as her. And didn't have so much faith in other people. Because everyone learns at some stage, that in the end, no one on this planet cares for anyone but themselves.

Middleton'10 will be a holiday to rememeber. hopefully..
summer is on its way. and i have never been so happy to get out of this city.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.
George Washington

And just like that, my whole world went up in flames.

GLASSEES

I would like to have a tea party, with the people that mean to most to me. and the people that make me giggle. because smiling and being with people that mean anything to me, deserve to be with me forever. but to tell the truth, not many people will be in my life, forever.

I am not beautiful. I dont always have a smile on my face, and i am so much work. I am hurting more then i am helping, and i hate the way i lie for others. My friends break my heart on a regular basis and i am broken every day. My family is insane and they live like there is nothing wrong when really, our world makes no sense. But i am smart and strong. I dont listen to what people tell me to say or who to be friends with. I dont hurt myself or swear at home, i am a role model for my younger brother. I love my family no matter what they do, i really cant help it. And when i smile, i smile for a reason. Not because you made a funny joke. But the look in your eyes when you made it. The look that you needed me to laugh, because you wanted to laugh so badly. Thats why i smile. I smile because when my true friends are around the world is suddenly a better place, and when you walk through the door and i see you, i just cant help it. One day i will do what i want to do. And i will smile every day and come home and smile all the more. Because i want to. Not for you. For once, it will be for me.

and so the heart sped, the love bleed, every thought ran through my head. Where was i going and what will i do, when i walk away from you. i will be strong, and keep walking on, though each step feels so wrong. My love for you will always be, but sometimes life isn't that easy.

Yes, well, probably the cutest thing i have seen in ages. Yumm.

I dont care any more. I really dont care. Truely i dont. Right now, you just annoy me. I will move and you really wont matter. So whatever, bitch behind my back. Tell people i lie and cheat. Be completely hypocritical. You are the only one it's effecting. You and only you. I hope you have a great life.

My future wedding dress. and it is beauitful.

If they don't chase you when you walk away, keep walking

THINGS TO DO BEFORE I DIE!
- Climb to the hill across from my house. ✓
- Tie shoelaces together and throw the shoes over a phone line
- Become a journilist
- Fall in love
- Own a house with a white picket fence
- Become friends with a celebrity
- Own an amazing camera
- Throw an unforgettable party
- Have someone love me more then life itself
- Have more than 1000 friends on facebook
- Have some one follow me on this blog!
- Punch some one hard in the face
- Own an apartment on the upper east side
- Meet Ed Westwick!!
- Have some one i dont know come up to me and tell me i am beauitful.
- Move out of home a year after finishing school
- Have children that are beauitiful and i love with all my heart
- Save some ones life
- Get straight A's!
- Write a story that takes peoples breath away
- Learn french and Italian (yum!)
- Go skiing in America
- Have an unforgettable summer love.
- Feel happy for an entire year, with only a few exceptions..
- Buy huge amounts of clothes from opshops
- Own an item of clothing by a desighner brand
- Go to the pancake kitchen ✓
- Go to the movies and start of watching one movie, and end up going to every movie playing..
- Win something in a radio contest
- Get a job✓
- Live forever
- Eat an entire container of Icecream✓
- Eat an entire watermelon
- Stay up for 48 hours without sleeping
- Work at a carnival
- Sing (well) in front of people
- Dance (well) in front of people
- Read 5 books in a day
- Spend a whole day at a library
- Sleep at school
- Have a day when i talk to no one. At all.
-

i am actually in love with him.

I AM GOING TO NEW YORK!!
end of next year. far out.
probably the most excited person on the face of the earth.

Me in seven years. New York, prepare yourself!

beauty, is so hard to find.

You know you hurt me. I saw it in your eyes. The funny thing is you just kept on walking. Thats what hurt the most, you knew, and you didn't care. Our friendship should be stronger than that. But that's alright, I am the better person. I wont pick a fight, i don't do that. I am so much stronger then you and even though you have everything, friends, money, happiness, i feel sorry for you. Because you are hollow. And I am in so much pain, constantly, but at least i dont lie to myself. I know I'm not perfect. I know no one cares. I realised he doesn't love me. And i pushed through. You keep trying. And you wont get anywhere. Because he doesn't love you. You choose fantasy over reality, and you choose him over me. That hurt.

how incredibly, entirely and amazingly true.

god, i love to sing. i have no talent, i am horrible, but the way the words flow into tune, your soul comes out in a good song, its like you are flying.

you channel yourself into words that come out like gushes of wind, and they flow into the air like rain, touching everyone that lets it. and god, do i feel alive when i sing and everyone looks at me. when they smile and wave and laugh. some people live in maths and some live to paint, some live to make beautiful music and some live just for the thrill. i live to write. to share words with others is the best thing i can do. i love to hear what people have to say when they read what i write. and it makes me feel whole when i know the words that have naturally flown from my fingertips, get under peoples skin and make them listen. and the way they realise that i am completely, totally and entirely right. that i tell more truth on paper then people have heard ever before. that is what i thrive to hear.