And just like that, my whole world went up in flames.

GLASSEES

I would like to have a tea party, with the people that mean to most to me. and the people that make me giggle. because smiling and being with people that mean anything to me, deserve to be with me forever. but to tell the truth, not many people will be in my life, forever.

I am not beautiful. I dont always have a smile on my face, and i am so much work. I am hurting more then i am helping, and i hate the way i lie for others. My friends break my heart on a regular basis and i am broken every day. My family is insane and they live like there is nothing wrong when really, our world makes no sense. But i am smart and strong. I dont listen to what people tell me to say or who to be friends with. I dont hurt myself or swear at home, i am a role model for my younger brother. I love my family no matter what they do, i really cant help it. And when i smile, i smile for a reason. Not because you made a funny joke. But the look in your eyes when you made it. The look that you needed me to laugh, because you wanted to laugh so badly. Thats why i smile. I smile because when my true friends are around the world is suddenly a better place, and when you walk through the door and i see you, i just cant help it. One day i will do what i want to do. And i will smile every day and come home and smile all the more. Because i want to. Not for you. For once, it will be for me.

and so the heart sped, the love bleed, every thought ran through my head. Where was i going and what will i do, when i walk away from you. i will be strong, and keep walking on, though each step feels so wrong. My love for you will always be, but sometimes life isn't that easy.

Yes, well, probably the cutest thing i have seen in ages. Yumm.

I dont care any more. I really dont care. Truely i dont. Right now, you just annoy me. I will move and you really wont matter. So whatever, bitch behind my back. Tell people i lie and cheat. Be completely hypocritical. You are the only one it's effecting. You and only you. I hope you have a great life.

My future wedding dress. and it is beauitful.

If they don't chase you when you walk away, keep walking

THINGS TO DO BEFORE I DIE!
- Climb to the hill across from my house. ✓
- Tie shoelaces together and throw the shoes over a phone line
- Become a journilist
- Fall in love
- Own a house with a white picket fence
- Become friends with a celebrity
- Own an amazing camera
- Throw an unforgettable party
- Have someone love me more then life itself
- Have more than 1000 friends on facebook
- Have some one follow me on this blog!
- Punch some one hard in the face
- Own an apartment on the upper east side
- Meet Ed Westwick!!
- Have some one i dont know come up to me and tell me i am beauitful.
- Move out of home a year after finishing school
- Have children that are beauitiful and i love with all my heart
- Save some ones life
- Get straight A's!
- Write a story that takes peoples breath away
- Learn french and Italian (yum!)
- Go skiing in America
- Have an unforgettable summer love.
- Feel happy for an entire year, with only a few exceptions..
- Buy huge amounts of clothes from opshops
- Own an item of clothing by a desighner brand
- Go to the pancake kitchen ✓
- Go to the movies and start of watching one movie, and end up going to every movie playing..
- Win something in a radio contest
- Get a job✓
- Live forever
- Eat an entire container of Icecream✓
- Eat an entire watermelon
- Stay up for 48 hours without sleeping
- Work at a carnival
- Sing (well) in front of people
- Dance (well) in front of people
- Read 5 books in a day
- Spend a whole day at a library
- Sleep at school
- Have a day when i talk to no one. At all.
-

i am actually in love with him.

I AM GOING TO NEW YORK!!
end of next year. far out.
probably the most excited person on the face of the earth.

Me in seven years. New York, prepare yourself!

beauty, is so hard to find.

You know you hurt me. I saw it in your eyes. The funny thing is you just kept on walking. Thats what hurt the most, you knew, and you didn't care. Our friendship should be stronger than that. But that's alright, I am the better person. I wont pick a fight, i don't do that. I am so much stronger then you and even though you have everything, friends, money, happiness, i feel sorry for you. Because you are hollow. And I am in so much pain, constantly, but at least i dont lie to myself. I know I'm not perfect. I know no one cares. I realised he doesn't love me. And i pushed through. You keep trying. And you wont get anywhere. Because he doesn't love you. You choose fantasy over reality, and you choose him over me. That hurt.

how incredibly, entirely and amazingly true.

god, i love to sing. i have no talent, i am horrible, but the way the words flow into tune, your soul comes out in a good song, its like you are flying.

you channel yourself into words that come out like gushes of wind, and they flow into the air like rain, touching everyone that lets it. and god, do i feel alive when i sing and everyone looks at me. when they smile and wave and laugh. some people live in maths and some live to paint, some live to make beautiful music and some live just for the thrill. i live to write. to share words with others is the best thing i can do. i love to hear what people have to say when they read what i write. and it makes me feel whole when i know the words that have naturally flown from my fingertips, get under peoples skin and make them listen. and the way they realise that i am completely, totally and entirely right. that i tell more truth on paper then people have heard ever before. that is what i thrive to hear.

the hardest thing to do, is letting it out. telling people how you feel. so i dont. i keep it in. always keeeping my feelings at the very bottom of the crevass that is my soul. and my god, that hurts more then everything put together. knowing that you will die with the pain that has always been there. and that no one else will know how you have suffered. that is why i need to escape. this city has kept me down to long. i dont know why i feel this but, if i get away from it all maybe it will leave. maybe the stupid creature thats always in the back of my head, always telling me how im the outsider, how i dont fit in, how i am completely unloved, will be banished from my sick and stupid mind forever. but maybe that creature isn't the thing that has gotten in, maybe i am the creature. those dark thoughts are mine. i am the sick minded soul, with no hope for love or happiness. maybe i really am unloveable. maybe all those times people have told me they love me, told me i am pretty and smart and kind were just ways they could get rid of me. just ways they could get me to leave. they dont want me here. no one wants me here. no one. but thats ok. i dont mind. i will write to keep the beast at bay. write away the creature that has kept me down for so long. and maybe some day some stupid beautiful amazing person will follow this page. and i will feel like my words aren't as unworthy as they are now. because some day, i will rule my own world, i will do as i please. i will eat icecream for dinner and have chocolate for breakfast. but untill then i am alone. i will search every dark corner i have. i will awaken surpressed memories so i know who i really am. i will ask people how they truly feel about me, and not their sick stupid lies. i neeed truth. i live on truth. that is what keeeps me going. what keeps me writing and laughing, my hollow laugh. i know how hard it is to hear truth on this lonely planet, because the world was built on lies.