i hope you leave my life. you have caused enough heart break. i really dont think i can do this any more. i know you have friends, but they are my friends. you steal them like they are yours to steal. the only thing between me and happiness is you. please, i just need you to leave, get out of my life!

dont be such a hypocrite. say what you mean. you cant please everybody. so stop trying to. you break more hearts then you fix.

I am going to get a polaroid camera. and i will take the most stunning photos you have ever seen...

Seasons change, times change, people change, lives change. But fashion is always there. It changes, yes, but it is always there. Unlike everything else that disapears, fashion is constant. It's part of the lives we live, the people we know, the loves we have. fashion was part of that, is part of that and will be part of that.

"Fashion is not something that exisits in dresses only. Fashion is in the sky, the street, fashion has to do with ideas, the way we live, what is happening." Coco Chanel.

There is a bit of insantiy in dancing that does everybody a great deal of good.

well, i thought it was fixed. i thought the pain was gone. i thought i was whole again.
that went well. how long did that last, a week? a couple of days?
fantastic. i'll sit at home by myself, with no one to talk to. no one to laugh with.
i have been replaced. and i have never felt so stupid and unloved in my whole life.
i want to cry. and it hurts so much. you dont care about me anymore. and it's funny because i am not talking about a guy. friends hurt you more than any guy. because you think you will be together forever. it's not true. high school changes people. people lie. decieve you. make you feel pain you have forgotten about. i thought you were curing my pain. now you have made it hurt more. i dont think i will be able to trust anyone ever again. and that scares me. you turned to someone else instead of me. that never used to happen. and so it is hurting me more than you imagine. you have no idea. how can you not realise? friendsship is so overated. i hate this. i hate this. i want to go back to when i didn't care. i played with someone different every day. and i had fun. i didn't sit around and bitch at recess and lunch. i didn't flirt, or notice people firting. guys had boy germs and girls bitched to your face not behind your back. you knew what was happening all the time and if you handed up an assignment late you didn't loose 25%. posters were easy and no one had double beds. you slept on a spare matress and never slept in the same bed as someone unless you were related. you faked sick so you could spend time with your family and not have to do handwriting at school. you dressed up with your brother and have pictures to prove it. you hated wearing pants and only wore dresses. you had to look pretty and you wore dress up shoes out so you looked like a big girl. you took your baby born everywhere and even had nappies for it. you loved it when your daddy read to you in bed and always had a glass of milk before bed time. bed time was 7.30 but sometimes if you were really really lucky you could stay up to 8. you got up at 6 because you didnt want to miss out on spending time with your parents before they left for work. they made you sandwhiches for lunch every day and only had lunch orders on friday. if someone picked their nose the whole year would tease them for a week, and you were never alowed to go to the mall by yourseld. you spent time with your family more then your friends, and sleepovers were a really big deal. you hated going clothes shopping and just wanted to go to a play cafe so you could go on the playground and your mummy could buy you a smartie cookie. you listened to S-Club and Nikki Webster and your favourite show was saddle club and lizzie mcguire. i miss these days. more then anyone has ever missed anything. i want to get away from the bitches and the backstabbing. i never thought anyone would do this to me. i dont know why it happened. i hate growing up. never land sounds like the most amazing place in the whole world right about now. i cant work out if this is just a faze and everything will go back to how it was, or if this one night has change the direction of my life forever. i hope it hasn't but prehaps it was for the best. or perhaps now i will never be happy again. i am a drama queen but at least i feel passionate about things. i won't draw attention to myself. i am to good for that. i guess its just a matter of time, before something will change again. i just hope that change comes pretty damn soon.

I'm back to the old me.
and it feeels so good.
Fashion is a big part of my life once again. and so are friends.
and my god, i have missed my friends, i realised. and i hope i never let them go.

i'm happy. it feels good to be alive! finally! i have missed this feeling with everything i have. i hope this feeling stays forever. or at least as long as it takes me to feel like i have something to never give up on. i needed time. time saved me from horrible things. i am so happy. so incredibly happy. god please never give up on me. i am not a hopeless case. not anymore.

i have blocked everything out. i need to just be for a little while.
i haven't been to school in two days, i'm sick. but i think it is more than being sick.
my mind is telling me i'm sick. i wouldn't be able to go to school like this anyway.
but it is getting harder. getting out of bed each day. i have decided i will do something today.
something to wake me up. to get out of this rutt. it's emptying me of all emotions, which is good.
but i think it's also bad. it's erasing all my bad emotions, but also all my good ones.
and right now, the good emotions are all i have left. i have noticed, the people who seem to have simalar emotions to me stay home more often. i see why. it helps. even though i am in pain, my body aches all over, i am finally at peace. metaphorically. i will go to school on monday. and it will spin my world upside down again, but i think that's what i need to keep going, through this.
but, through all the dark, there is always light. even if it feels impossible to find.

it's still there. whenever im alone. i need to distract myself.
it changes from day to day, the feelings. i can tell by what i've written.
it makes me sad, knowing that i was so happy such a short time ago.
i think the best thing to do is move, but i am to scared.
change scares me, and it shouldn't.
this is stupid. but i cant speak to anyone.
i feel like an idiot. like these feelings aren't real to anyone i
tell in words. but i need to get out of this. it's eating me up inside,
its like my world is dying. my friends are almost dead to me. i am dead inside.
i cant do this anymore. i need to escape. but i cant find the words...
and words mean so much. i feel so weak. it's not like it's that bad.
i cried myself to sleep last night. for the first time in 3 years. and i
felt so peaceful. it helped. to have the tears there as my companion.
this is my diary now. i am to nervous to write a real diary.
the feelings will be out, for others to see. at least here i am alone. no
one follows me. i dont mind.
because this is where i am me. i dont think i can share it yet.

i am coming back.
my mind is clearing.
i think the storm is over.
i hope the storm is over.
but, every once in a while, the clouds cover the sun.
and i get cold again.
the feelings return.
and i cant breathe.
the ice goes down to my throat.
and it feels like someone is hitting me, over and over.
i walk on, facing the clouds head on.
i try to remember what i am fighting for, what i have to live for.
the pain continues, blinding me, stopping me from doing anything.
i feel like screaming, but my class mates would think i was mad.
i go blank, stop talking, dont listen, dont laugh, dont pretend to laugh.
and suddenly, its gone. the cloud has gone,
and i realise what i have to live for again.
the rainbow emerges and i see the sun once more.
and i smile. and i mean the smile with all my heart.
i smile to myself, others probaby dont know why,
but i smile to show the clouds, i am stronger than they are.
i am Paris, and i will fight, untill there is nothing left.

i wonder what you would do if i leant over and kissed you.

truely, one of the most talented women singers, i have seen in my entire life. my inspiration.

sometimes, i sit and think,

think about how life would be with someone in my life that truely loves me.

truely cares for me.

with all there heart.

love stories have made me feel alone.

i am begining to truely believe i will never find any one.

if things change, i'll let you know.

sometimes i wonder what it would be like to die.
would it be painfull, or an infinity of bliss.
a life in another life,
you, but not you.
a different world,
a different love.
a different hate.
a different dream, to aspire to.
i guess we all find out.
perhaps there is nothing, just black, forever peace.
i wonder if it would be better than my life now.
i have began to understand that there is so little wrong with my life.
it is a life millions would wish for.
friends, loving family, enough money, safety.
so why do i feel like this? all the time?
i have only one conclusion.
the only thing wrong in this life,
is me.