I've put so much effort into this blog. My life pours onto this screen. Every feeling i have every day gets written down and catalouged so one day, 20 years from now i will log on to this blog and read everything that ran through my head when i was 14. I want to say so much. I want people to hear my every word. But no one will ever read this blog. And i have slightly come to terms with that. Almost.

Im not funny. Im not very smart. And i am definately not beautiful. But in all the world, the only thing that has kept me here is other people's need of me. And my care for that need is slowly decreasing. The thing i really need, really truely need. Is for someone to love me.

If i looked like her, i wonder if more people would like me.

I wish i could hide. from everything. from everyone. i will travel the world, with no one but myself. meet friends that make my life worth living. The thing i dont understand, is why i am like this. I hate this feeling. I shouldn't feel this! I am safe, i have everything. I dont need this. I dont need to feel like this. If there was a god i would be fine. nothing would be wrong in my head. but i have a stupid mind that doesn't make sense. i have a stupid heart that breaks to easily. i have stupid hands that just want to slice my own skin. i have stupid legs that want to jump of the top building of my school. it is so hard to be strong. when you are constantly fighting yourself. and you have so much stress of work and friends added. it isn't worth it. in the end i will die. it doesn't matter what i do in life nothing will be worth anything in the end. everything ends no matter how much change its caused. why people ruin things doesn't make sense. it wont do them any good. humanity is one stupid lie.

We don't waste no precious time..

Our love was lost, sadly still is. Oh well. Shit happens. People move on. People hate you for no reason. At all..

Christ sake, i am over this.

Audrey is my favourite. She was always in control. And happy. She had everything, but didn't brag. She was perfect, beauitful, intelligent, rich. Thats why she amazes me.

I wish everything would blur. I wish i could forget, even for just a moment. I wish my whole life changed. It already has. So much. Too much. I thought i wanted change before, and then i got it and wanted everything the same as before. But life isn't like that. Shit happens, and it kills. I physically hurts people. People don't hurt themselves. I think about suicide. I used to think it was evil, horrible and wrong. Now i understand. It's because people can't escape. You can't move away from this. You can't ignore it. It pulls you in. It's ruthless. It doesn't care who it hurts along the way, as long as it hurts you in the end. And no matter what happens, if you keep strong or you kill yourself, it hurts through it all. I dont know what to do anymore. I dont know what to say, or who to tell, or how to cry or how to scream.

It's scary. because it's real.

he is my favourite. and she is pretty amazing. they deserve each other.

oh god. not jealous at all.

forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget, forget,

ahhh fuck it. i cant.

I wonder if life would be easier, if i just looked like her..

Some one find me, i need help.

I wish i was as smart as her. And didn't have so much faith in other people. Because everyone learns at some stage, that in the end, no one on this planet cares for anyone but themselves.

Middleton'10 will be a holiday to rememeber. hopefully..
summer is on its way. and i have never been so happy to get out of this city.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.
George Washington