well, i thought it was fixed. i thought the pain was gone. i thought i was whole again.
that went well. how long did that last, a week? a couple of days?
fantastic. i'll sit at home by myself, with no one to talk to. no one to laugh with.
i have been replaced. and i have never felt so stupid and unloved in my whole life.
i want to cry. and it hurts so much. you dont care about me anymore. and it's funny because i am not talking about a guy. friends hurt you more than any guy. because you think you will be together forever. it's not true. high school changes people. people lie. decieve you. make you feel pain you have forgotten about. i thought you were curing my pain. now you have made it hurt more. i dont think i will be able to trust anyone ever again. and that scares me. you turned to someone else instead of me. that never used to happen. and so it is hurting me more than you imagine. you have no idea. how can you not realise? friendsship is so overated. i hate this. i hate this. i want to go back to when i didn't care. i played with someone different every day. and i had fun. i didn't sit around and bitch at recess and lunch. i didn't flirt, or notice people firting. guys had boy germs and girls bitched to your face not behind your back. you knew what was happening all the time and if you handed up an assignment late you didn't loose 25%. posters were easy and no one had double beds. you slept on a spare matress and never slept in the same bed as someone unless you were related. you faked sick so you could spend time with your family and not have to do handwriting at school. you dressed up with your brother and have pictures to prove it. you hated wearing pants and only wore dresses. you had to look pretty and you wore dress up shoes out so you looked like a big girl. you took your baby born everywhere and even had nappies for it. you loved it when your daddy read to you in bed and always had a glass of milk before bed time. bed time was 7.30 but sometimes if you were really really lucky you could stay up to 8. you got up at 6 because you didnt want to miss out on spending time with your parents before they left for work. they made you sandwhiches for lunch every day and only had lunch orders on friday. if someone picked their nose the whole year would tease them for a week, and you were never alowed to go to the mall by yourseld. you spent time with your family more then your friends, and sleepovers were a really big deal. you hated going clothes shopping and just wanted to go to a play cafe so you could go on the playground and your mummy could buy you a smartie cookie. you listened to S-Club and Nikki Webster and your favourite show was saddle club and lizzie mcguire. i miss these days. more then anyone has ever missed anything. i want to get away from the bitches and the backstabbing. i never thought anyone would do this to me. i dont know why it happened. i hate growing up. never land sounds like the most amazing place in the whole world right about now. i cant work out if this is just a faze and everything will go back to how it was, or if this one night has change the direction of my life forever. i hope it hasn't but prehaps it was for the best. or perhaps now i will never be happy again. i am a drama queen but at least i feel passionate about things. i won't draw attention to myself. i am to good for that. i guess its just a matter of time, before something will change again. i just hope that change comes pretty damn soon.